1. Fold it into a hat. Pretend to be a pirate.
 
2. Put it in a diving contest. Does it belly flop or score ten out of ten?
 
3. Cut it up into strips and scramble it in a pan with some salt and pepper so that you can eat if for breakfast then poop out your freedom twelve hours later.

4. Play twenty question. Is it larger or smaller than a loaf of bread? Is it an animal, plant, or mineral? How many lives does it weigh?

5. Call and ask it out to dance on a date. See if it passes your list of needs in a relationship.
 
6. Ask it to buy milk (2%) on the way home.
 
7. Wad it into a tampon to soak up your body's snot and sniffles for a potential life.
 
8. Wear it as a raincoat and stand under a showerhead to test if it works or not. If it doesn't, return it and ask for your money back guaranteed.